Seen, Desired, Yet Unloved: An Exploration of Desire, Visibility, and Love Through Anora
"How Anora Mirrors the Struggle to Be Truly Loved"
In this piece I interchange Ivan and Vanya and Ani and Anora. Please note that Ivan and Vanya are the same person, and so are Ani and Anora.
I rarely share my innermost thoughts online; airing my vulnerabilities isn’t something I’m accustomed to, but after reading Simbuli’s recent Substack essay, “What does it mean to move through life as a woman who is admired, desired, but never kept?”, “I felt compelled to organise my own reflections on Anora and my experiences with relationships.
From my very first viewing of the movie, I unhesitantly empathised with Anora. I fell for her and Vanya, and I rooted for their relationship to blossom. Even knowing it began as a transactional arrangement, where Vanya paid Anora for companionship and sex, I found myself hoping for something real to emerge between them. When he proposed in Las Vegas, I felt her momentary hesitation, echoing my own doubts. I couldn’t help but wonder: could this be genuine? Was it possible for something authentic to grow from such a fantasy? I questioned whether it was all a joke or if, against all odds, he was truly serious.
On the surface, their whirlwind life looked exhilarating—champagne fizzing, vivid colours, fireworks; the electric thrill of newlywed highs. I rode that wave with them. I wanted Anora to seize a chance at a better life, even if Vanya, with his wealth and privilege, was hardly the ideal partner. Surely he cared for her in some way beyond mere convenience and fun? I rode that high with them—the thrill of a spontaneous wedding, their laughter echoing through the scenes, the promise of a new life for Ani. How could I not hope that this was her turning point? Perhaps Vanya’s wealth wasn’t just a shield for frivolity, but a hope he could offer her everything she’d been denied.
But then I watched the movie again…
With fresh eyes, Vanya’s indifference became impossible to ignore. He never truly saw Anora; he only saw the idea of her. When Anora tries to bring up the topic of meeting each other's parents, I thought he’d listen. Instead, he shifted topics so quickly that I barely caught the change. His responses were indifferent, delivered as if he were simply responding to background conversation rather than a man discovering the woman lying beside him. When his guardians arrive to take him back to Russia, he actually RUNS—leaving her behind as if the entire engagement were a game rather than a promise.
It struck me that Vanya’s self-centredness, his emotional immaturity, and his immunity to consequence are the very things that drew me in. He’s a spoiled child whose parents have always cleaned up his messes. The scene when Garnik and Igor are talking ( his guardians ) plays in my mind. They secretly whisper under their breath about a Kool-Aid incident as they wait for Ivan’s parents' jet to land—the millions spent on repairs that he probably wasn’t even aware of! It was in that moment I saw he’d never faced real consequences, never felt responsibility, never known the weight of caring for someone else’s heart.
By the time the private jet scene arrived, my heart was breaking. Vanya tells Ani, "And thank you for making my last trip to America soo fun." Ani, standing there as Igor looms behind her, attempts to evoke any remaining emotion from Vanya by asking, “Yhhh you had fun?” Vanya promptly replies, “Yh, Lets go!,” before turning away. In his indifference, I recognized every man who has loved only the surface of me. I remembered every man who valued only the shiny, performative version of me—the Ani with tinsel in her hair and knee-high boots, not the raw, unguarded woman who ached for genuine intimacy.
Igor ?..
Then came Igor, who at first seemed the counterpoint. He noticed her bare-faced vulnerability, offered her a scarf when she shivered, and asked Vanya to apologise. He liked Anora more than Ani : ). I longed to believe he was the one who would truly see her. But online discussions reminded me: basic human decency—listening, noticing, is not the stuff of grand romance novels. It’s simply the minimum we owe one another as humans. He certainly still liked her, but nothing about what he was doing was deserving of the best “man award.” He simply just treated her like a person! And still, that contrast lingered with me. Was I so jaded that I mistook his kindness for romance ??? When did I last feel seen by someone I loved? I know my friends know my favourite songs or my childhood dreams, but the people I’ve pursued romantically rarely extend the same courtesy. It’s exhausting, performing for attention, fearing that if I let my guard down, if I underperform, I’ll vanish from their gaze altogether. I’ve never really lacked attention from men, but it can feel draining when all that attention is futile and meaningless. They only want access, never the real you!
Watching Anora break down in the car, lashing out at Igor’s hesitant kiss, I felt that raw, desperate cry for authentic intimacy, not just physical closeness, but the kind that needs no script. In that moment, being truly seen felt like chasing a mirage.
And yet, despite everything, a stubborn hope remains. Beneath the disappointments lies a belief that real intimacy exists—that someone will look beyond the performance and see me: whole, unfiltered, worthy of love. Perhaps my destiny isn’t to find a storybook romance. Maybe I’ll end up with someone who simply provides and does exactly what’s expected. But I’ll keep fighting for love that I read in my romance novels—natural, unforced, true. In the end, that’s why Anora resonated so deeply with me. It held up a mirror to my own search for someone who desires not just the glittering surface, but the person beneath it all 💔.
Chimdi this is deep 😭